thought purge.

now that we're not going to the dr constantly to check on this or that with finny and its not absolutely in our face all the time, I feel like things have kinda gotten back to normal.  its not on my every thought, and sometimes I even forget that theres anything wrong with him.  hes just such a sweet fun kid, he seems totally normal.

but then there are days like yesterday.  for some reason that nasty little part in my brain that makes me have sad, awful thoughts was working overtime...  I don't know why, things have been going well, he hasn't had any major falls, he hasn't seemed overly tired.  but maybe that IS why.  I let myself forget and some jerk part of me wanted me to remember, and it was definitely out to get me with a vengeance.

it felt like any random thought having nothing to do with his disease, or even finny himself brought my thinking back to him and how he wouldn't ever get to experience that, or that he wont be around for this...  its awful.  im pretty sure I was on the verge of tears no less than 13 times yesterday.  and no matter how down you feel, you gotta plaster that smile on your face...  it doesn't help anyone if youre sad all day.  not you, not your kids, no one.  you gotta be happy happy happy.

 

 

I don't even know what my point was in this post, I guess I just needed to ramble...  and sometimes the rambling helps get those thoughts outta there, and since ive already cried once today, before 6 am, apparently a thought purge was needed. 

 

I hate that my son is sick.

I hate that I feel like its my fault.

I hate that hes gonna miss out on so much.

I hate that we have to watch him get worse.

I hate duchenne.

 

BUT...

I love that little finny more than anything.

I love that we were blessed with him, I truly believe that no matter what, he was meant for us.

I love his sweet nature.

I love that he is on the go ALL THE TIME, he doesn't let anything slow him down.

I love his hugs so so much.

I love the relationship between ashey and finny.

I love that we have such a great support system.

 

ok I feel better now, so if you read this, don't go hugging me or giving me that look...  you know the one...  I just needed to vent.  now im gonna go get my boys dressed because I promised to take them to get donuts before school.  and those sweet little faces covered in frosting will definitely make me smile.