counting sheep.

there are so many terrible things that go along with an awful diagnosis that isnt even the diagnosis iteself.  tiny little weird thoughts wiggle their way into your head when youre just laying down to go to sleep, and then of course push sleep off for a few more hours. 

my current sadness thought is pretty bad.  in more ways than one... 

of course ive been watching finny like a hawk and trying notice every little thing...  is he walking ok, how many times hes fallen down, does he seem tired?  and then i start to wonder how long we have until he starts his decline, and then worse still, how long will he last once the decline begins.  see, i told you, bad stuff...  so i go through all those thoughts last night and i feel super sad, and then i start thinking about ashey and how sad he will be...  hell be all alone.  i mean, hell have us, but he wont have his 'baber.'  my boys are so close in age, and without a doubt, love each other so much.  and i cant imagine how awful it would feel to lose a sibling.  i cant imagine losing one of mine.  when i heard about the oil rig explosion off the coast of louisianna a few months ago, i thought i was going to vomit, and all i could do was pray that it didnt happen to be one my brother was on.  and when ashey goes through that, hell be all alone, his baber wont be there to help him through the pain. 

and then even the possibility of having another is not really there.  of course my number one concern is finny right now, and when i think about how much help he will need in the future, i think it would be unfair to have another baby.  but even if we decided that it was somehow manageable, then theres the difficulty of actually getting a healthy baby.  we're still waiting on bloodwork to see if i am the carrier, but even if im not, there is still the chance that while im not the primary carrier of the genetic mutation, the mutation or deletion happened when my eggs were being formed so we could have another with DMD.  the genetic counselors said there were all sorts of things they could do like in vitro, and only implanting eggs that have already been tested, or only implanting girls...  i dont even want to think of the cost involved with all of that.  especially wondering about finnys medical needs and expenses in the future.

i totally wish counting sheep actually worked. 

PS:  i dont plan on all my posts being super depressing...  its just right now.  they should perk up soon.  im trying to be really honest about everything im feeling, maybe it will be exactly what someone else in my situation needs to see to validate their own crazy.  and im hoping to look back at these posts one day and see just how far weve come...  hopefully.